If you want your child to trust you, learn to accept him. So the child himself would sleep and be silent
When communicating with a child, there are strictly prohibited techniques and phrases, the use of which is not permissible. So, among these phrases like:
-You never listen to me!
- You would only anger the adults!
- You are completely stupid!
- Nothing good will come of you!
- You're breaking everything!
- I can’t stand you!
- Why am I so sad! and etc.
They cannot be used, primarily because the child perceives such phrases literally and very quickly begins to believe that this is who he is. For him, this is like a real suggestion and the baby begins to behave in the way the parents said. When communicating with other people, you need to correctly formulate your thoughts and express them correctly. This is psychologically natural.
It is necessary to pay the child’s attention specifically to actions, and not to the person as a whole, i.e. say not “You are bad”, but “What you did was bad.” The idea that a child is stupid, disobedient or harmful should in no case be heard in addresses to him. Even if the parent did not want to offend the child, and thoughtlessly threw out such a phrase, the child will definitely take everything personally and begin to act accordingly.
The phrases “Stop annoying me,” “Be good,” or “Do something useful” are also ineffective in communicating with a child. It is necessary to clearly refer to the facts. For example, it is difficult for a child to guess what exactly is annoying a parent about him or what is useful from a parent’s point of view? The child does not know how to read other people's thoughts. Sometimes even the phrase “don’t fool around” may not “get through” to him, especially if he doesn’t understand, or they don’t explain to him what exactly his pampering is.
It is better to explain to a child how to act correctly than to talk about how not to behave. For example, it is better to say “keep your voice down” than “don’t shout.”
The child needs to be explained what to do, instead of the action he is performing at a given moment in time, talk about what can and should be done, and not turn the child’s life into complete prohibitions.
It makes sense to condemn a child only if he really understands how to improve and this is within the child’s power. Why tell a child that he is clumsy if, due to his age or physical development, he still cannot do better.
The severity of education does not necessarily have to be expressed through serious punishments; what is necessary, first of all, is consistency and coordination of actions.
The requirements made by family members for the child must be specified and agreed upon in advance. There should not be situations where one parent allows something to be done, but the other does not. A child should not observe parental quarrels due to the fact that everyone considers their own view of raising a child to be the only correct one; the child cannot be pitted against each other.
Psychologists believe that in terms of education, punishment is less effective than competent praise. Among the reasons are the following:
1. Punishment carries information about an undesirable course of action, but says nothing about the desired one. As a result, the baby experiences states of loss; he simply cannot know what exactly they want from him.
2. Punishment reduces human activity (in fact, like other living beings). Of course, a passive or “downtrodden” child seems to be a more convenient object for control than an active, noisy and restless one. It is indeed easier to control them, but the pace at which such children master the surrounding reality is reduced. This entails that the pace of development of his psyche inevitably slows down.
3. The use of punishment negatively affects the general emotional background: resentment, fear, and anger arise. Such an “explosive cocktail” is not the most favorable state against which you can teach a child to learn something worthwhile.
4. Punishment in most cases is carried out untimely, distant in time from the behavior that caused it. As a result, the child associates punishment not so much with the act itself that caused parental anger, but with the random factors corresponding to it.
Irina Rybakova
We all want the best for our children. But no matter how hard we try to be perfect parents, sometimes even the best of us lose control and raise our voices at our children. Again, this comes from the best of intentions, because we want our children to be better versions of us, never make mistakes and succeed in everything.
Some people reproach themselves for being strict in raising a child, others justify it. Practice shows that you can scold a child, but only if you do it correctly.
Why can you scold a child?
If a child consciously does illegal things, then You can point out his bad behavior. For example, you should not offend other children on the playground, draw on the wallpaper, or make too much noise if grandma is tired. Since you have made a few comments to the baby, but he still continues to play around, then you can act as a strict parent.
But remember the main thing - criticism should be constructive. Explain to your child exactly what he is doing wrong in a calm, even voice. Under no circumstances should you start shouting or use words that are offensive to your little one in your speech.
Also pay attention to the physical condition of the child. If he is hungry, tired or sick, then there is no point in lecturing. Instead, spend your time and energy taking care of your baby. As soon as his health improves, he will also behave much better.
After you have discussed with your child his actions, be sure to praise him for the fact that he listened to you so carefully and now he will probably try not to make the same mistakes again.
Why you should never scold a child
No matter how much we sometimes want to “educate” our own child, in some situations this is simply not appropriate.
In what cases should you never scold your child?
How to properly scold a child
Only in the case where you really cannot do without rigor and moralizing, take up raising your child. But follow certain rules.
Thus, you need to scold your child very carefully. Follow certain rules during the educational process. Remember those lines that you should never cross. It’s so easy to lose the trust of this little man. But you will have to spend a lot of time and effort to correct your mistakes.
Be attentive to the children and have a good mood!
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Black magic has great power over people; it is not difficult for a witch to cast an evil eye or damage on someone who does not please her. People begin to suffer, but the witch enjoys it. To achieve their goals, witches and evil sorcerers commit many crimes, including to make people suffer a hundred times more, or to spoil an innocent child.
Black magic, which can cause the evil eye or black damage
It's amazing what twisted excuses people come up with for their wicked actions! For the sake of their goals, to achieve what they want, they stop at nothing. This is quite in the spirit of women. A man may stop at the last line, but a woman, a woman, will go to the end. They create, try to cast the evil eye or serious damage on their rivals, and if they see a hindrance in a child, they can, without regret, damage the child.
When a life-and-death rivalry between two women begins, truly terrible things happen. The mistress reassures herself that it’s okay that the child will die, the mother will cry and forget, but love will triumph. It happens that wives take revenge on their husbands’ mistresses and torment their children with the help of black witchcraft.
Bringing the evil eye, black damage to a child is a great sin. Not every specialist who practices black magic will undertake such a task. And the enraged ordinary women do it themselves, taking sin upon their souls. But one has to answer for such deeds, and not only in the other world, retribution overtakes the sorceress in this life in the form of an unfortunate fate and serious illnesses.
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Curse on parents - severe damage on child
A lot of children suffer from spoilage. The weakest in the family is the baby. And the blood of his parents flows in him. If the child’s mother is cursed by someone, then through the mother’s blood the child receives damage and suffers innocently. One way or another, he receives a magical blow to the blood, drawing black damage onto himself.
Magical damage can be transmitted not only from the mother, but also from the father. So it turns out that they wanted to cast the evil eye or damage on one person, but several suffer at once, because the ancestral and family bonds strong and difficult to break.
How to protect a child from damage
For each type of damage there is, and black magicians know them. In order to prevent damage to the child, you need to put a strong magical protection. If this happens, and the baby receives a magical blow, you need to immediately contact a healer and remove the black damage.
Every parent wants to know what is happening with their child. What worries the child, what difficulties he faces. Part of this desire is driven by our anxiety and desire for control. But mainly, we want to provide support to the child in difficult situations. Why don’t children often turn to us for it?
For a child, one of the most difficult conditions is to be left alone with a problem. Often he cannot find an adequate solution on his own and aggravates the problem, getting into even greater stress. The way this spiral unfolds is most clearly seen in teenagers who, having misjudged the situation or failed to fight back, end up in dubious companies, addictions, risk groups, or simply bad stories. Many troubles with children stem from the fact that they cannot discuss their experiences with a significant adult, turning to their parents last.
Where do they go?
In Internet. For example, they type a question into a search engine. In the best case, the answer will be a psychological support site or a helpline, at worst - a malicious community on a social network, and most often - a forum or public page for children of his age or older, where they discuss their problems and give each other advice based on their young worldview, and sometimes from not the best intentions.
To friends. The story is almost the same as with communities. The difference is that friends are safer in terms of “bad advice.” However, they are often as inexperienced as your child, and their advice is thoughtless.
To no one. Being alone with his problem, a child often gets confused: he twists himself and the situation, commits actions (due to lack of life experience or an erroneous calculation of the consequences) that do not lead to resolution, but aggravate it.
Finally, to parents. Is it really strange that this option is last on the list? Often, by the age of 10-12, parents completely lose contact with their children, which is why they do not turn to them for advice.
Breaking contact
Like all big problems, this gap does not arise suddenly. Lack of contact is, first of all, the absence of a warm and trusting relationship between a parent and a child, which does not appear by the very fact of kinship, cannot be forced into it, and cannot be built in one “heart-to-heart conversation.” Parents often believe that if they periodically repeat the phrase “you can tell me everything,” this is enough for the child to feel trust. Parents are the most important and closest figure for the child and have a maximum limit of trust until they themselves exhaust it with a negative reaction to openness.
One step back
If you want your child to trust you and tell you a lot about himself, learn from early childhood how to react correctly to his small and large offenses.
There is a simple rule - if you scold a child when he comes and tells you that he has “made trouble”, he will very quickly stop telling you about it. Who wants to get hit in the neck? That is, you understand that he won’t stop “smoking mischief” (trying, making mistakes, incorrectly calculating the consequences of his actions), but he will stop telling.
Learn to listen to your child first and not to scold. Carrying a broken car - take pity on the child, not the toy. He told me that he broke a sugar bowl - show me how to clean up the consequences. It is a mistake to think that if you reprimand a child, he will be more attentive and careful in the future. As if tidy adults never break dishes? They break it, but then they collect the fragments in a scoop, throw them away, and draw conclusions. Teach your children this mechanism, analyze each situation with it: talk through how to eliminate the consequences if they occur, and what conclusions need to be drawn.
As a rule, even after a “planned” offense, the child himself begins to feel guilty. If he did something accidentally or did not calculate the consequences - stress and guilt. If the parent adds his own reprimand, the child’s sense of guilt increases many times over. But this does not bring any benefit at all, except that it greatly burdens the child’s psyche, crushes him, he feels that he is left completely alone. Even those closest to him - his parents - did not accept him. The little man’s feeling of abandonment grows to the size of space. It’s useful to remember yourself as a child. The child experiences a lot of emotional stress, but cannot draw conclusions on his own. And even if, after a portion of scolding, the parents talk about the situation, the stress will be so great that it will block the possibilities of rational perception.
What to do?
There is a very reasonable pedagogical approach, according to which children in the family are scolded only for lying. The child understands that he can come to his parents with any question and any problem and receive support and advice. If I don’t need to hide anything from my parent, and he accepts me in any way, I will learn to accept myself. How many of us miss that, right? Our parents could not teach us this, since they themselves had neither the knowledge nor the resources. But we can give this to our children. Unconditional acceptance is the very basis and foundation of a trusting relationship between parent and child.
By being a reliable support for our children, we reduce the risk of them falling under the unwanted influence of companies or online communities, and we ourselves feel more calm, knowing that if a child encounters difficulties, we will be the first ones he will turn to.
Irina Vinnik
Children's whims, their bad behavior and pranks sometimes bring the internal indicator of parents' anger into a state of activity. Moms scream, dads scream. As a result, the problem, as a rule, does not go away, but the nervous system of adults has already suffered, as well as the child’s psyche. Maybe we should look for reasons? Is it even possible to do this? Perhaps the child’s behavior is not so bad and does not deserve aggression? Or maybe it's just you? A little advice on how not to yell at a child, and whether this is even possible.
You probably scold yourself every time you yell at your child. And again you ask yourself the question “Why am I now raising my voice at him?”, “Why am I bringing my most beloved person to tears?”, “Am I doing the right thing?” If a child is playing pranks for the sake of pranks, that is, obviously deliberately causing you suffering, then you should contact a child psychologist - here constant conflicts will only aggravate the situation, and the psychologist will help you sort them out. Well, what if it’s by chance? Due to age? Internal state? How to stop constantly swearing?
How not to yell at a child: reasons from the child
Have you ever thought about your behavior? For example, you wash the dishes and break a mug. Silently you collect the fragments and, with the words “this is for luck,” throw them away. But if your child drops the same mug, then in many cases the following will follow: “Why are you walking here?!”, “Be careful,” “I asked you not to touch my things.” This happens without finding out the reason, without trying to restrain yourself, without taking into account the randomness of the situation, and simply the fact that your child is still too young to be dexterous and skillful like you, he has not had time to learn to be as attentive as possible.
Apart from age, there are other reasons why children's behavior deteriorates and they are unable to control the consequences of such disorder.
You're asking too much
If your personal achievements are great, this does not mean that you should expect the same from your children. In addition, beyond expectations and persistent insistence on achieving the goals you set can break the child’s psyche, as a result of which he will no longer receive trust. He gets nervous about failure and behaves badly, venting negative energy. In this case, the dilemma of how not to yell at a child rests on your own ambitions - you cannot equate your abilities with those of another person, especially a child.
You are raising incorrectly
Too strict or too soft, you indulge too much or react inappropriately, you yourself are unable to restrain yourself in a number of cases, you practice constant monitoring of every step. You can analyze your pedagogical approach - imagine that you are your own good psychologist.
Excessive child fatigue
And he is unable to contain her. If he goes to kindergarten or school, then to extracurricular activities, to compulsory education in the evening, and then to sleep and again in a circle, do not be surprised that you suffer constant breakdowns. Fatigue spoils the mood even for an adult, but what about a child! Unload it, give it more time for personal matters and rest.
The desire to show one's “I”
Almost every child goes through personal development through conflicts. For some, they are unnoticeably ordinary, while others are faced with notes “I left home” or a toy thrown at you. A parent needs to become an ally of his child; one cannot shout in vain. Want an extreme hairstyle? Please support. If you suspect bad habits (swearing, smoking), try to help him assert himself in something useful. An excellent option is sports, improving skills in your favorite activity. Finally, get a dog and let him walk it.
Conflicts at home
If parents often raise their voices at each other, it is strange to expect the child to be obedient and diligent. A lot depends on the atmosphere in the family - you shouldn’t shout at each other in front of your children, don’t set a bad example, because this can have one serious consequence in the form of a broken childhood.
Such heredity
As child psychologists often say, to whom parents complain about their children’s rebellion, character is built from the building blocks of ancestors. Yes, it is individual for everyone, but most likely, if you think about it, you will find a lot of similarities in the child’s behavior with you in childhood or with your grandparents.
Children often behave badly when they are sick. The cause may also be mental trauma (divorce of parents, moving, changing kindergarten or school, loss of a loved one). Perhaps the baby cannot cope with something (build a castle, thread a lace, and much more), which makes him nervous and acts ugly, even shouting at adults. It would be right for parents to figure out the cause of the problem before they start yelling at the baby or, even more so, physically punishing them. You cannot use force on a child just because he didn’t finish the soup or dropped a vase - instead of not restraining yourself, figure it out first.
How not to yell at a child: reasons from parents
When your nerves are frayed and your child suffers, it’s unfair. Just take control of your condition. Sit down, relax, ask yourself a few questions.
Firstly, fatigue can affect your nervous state. And then, no matter what the baby does, it will seem to you that he is wrong. Psychological fatigue has the greatest impact. For example, you are preparing for an important meeting, thinking a lot, making action plans. When you come home, you immediately go to the kitchen to feed your family, and additionally mentally analyze the day. Rest comes only at night. You may agree to exhaust yourself, but as a result, incontinence and unreasonable yelling at a child is a mistake.
Secondly, anger at another person may very well be to blame for constant swearing. You get angry at your colleague, your mother, your husband, but you lose your temper and yell at your child. Really, who else should you lash out at?! He can’t answer, fight back. Solve the problem of your relationships outside of home and family. At the very least, you should learn to restrain yourself and turn off thoughts and emotions in relation to the sources of aggression when you are with your child, think about the consequences.
Thirdly, the tendency to scold and shout at a child may be due to a feeling of guilt towards him, as psychologists assure. For example, you carefully monitor your baby’s health, but he has a cold. Your hyper-responsibility makes itself felt, you are indignant about what and where you missed. Hence, the nervous system suffers, and you show your anxiety by shouting and blaming, unable to contain your resentment for your “professional incompetence,” and you are puzzled as to how not to yell at your child.
Fourthly, psychologists often note that many parents, especially mothers, after the birth of a child change their lives, limiting communication with outside world, denying yourself the same pleasures. Anger arises at the child; subconsciously he is perceived as a burden, a burden. Just learn to relax, find the strength to leave your baby in the capable hands of grandmothers and nannies, and live a full, healthy and beautiful woman. A happy and contented mother who will not scream for any reason without thinking about the consequences will be much more pleasant for the child.
If you scold your child often
Imagine that your nervous system will be constantly affected by various factors: they will either drive you crazy, or bring you to tears, or offend you. The child's psyche is so vulnerable that the slightest wrong step can lead to its irreparable distortion. By scolding a child with regularity, for no reason or reason, you risk attaching many complexes to him and making him a withdrawn person in the future.
Children take screaming and swearing literally; at a very young age they are not able to really criticize the behavior of their parents. The thought “If they scold me, it means I’m bad, I did something wrong” comes into play. And so from time to time, day after day. They feel inferior, incapable and pathetic. Look for compromises, improve relationships. If you can’t do it on your own, consult a psychologist. It is important to find out for yourself in time how not to yell at a child and influence his condition.
Rules for quarrels: how not to yell at a child
Observe important rules when you scold a child for something:
- The punishment must be justified. The reason for the swearing is conveyed to the child in the most accessible form.
- When punishing, it’s best to use general phrases like “You can’t do that,” “It hurts people when they get hit,” “If kids fight, no one is friends with them.” By getting personal, you risk hearing insults directed at you.
- Don't scold your child in front of everyone. If the conflict occurred on the street, speak quietly, as if in secret from others around you. You should not come home and demonstratively inform the rest of the family about the conflict that has occurred.
- Communicate as equals. The child must be given the opportunity to speak out and prove that he is right. You shouldn't fight and say you're right because you're older or because you're mom or dad.
In the end, I would like to note that the very fact that you began to think about how not to yell at a child speaks of your sincere desire to correct the situation, to learn to get along with the child. Start with yourself, study your habits. Maybe you are setting a bad example by talking rudely on the phone, throwing things in a fit of emotion without noticing it. Improve the atmosphere in your home, create comfort. Those parents who seek and know how to find a compromise have happy and psychologically healthy children.